Ok, finally got around to changing the introduction text. But as you can see, I'm too sianz to write a proper one, so am going to blabber on in hopes that you will get an idea of what sort of person I am by guessing. Yeah, the format of this blog is crap. I haven't got around to fixing it. Later lah.. Much later...
There's only so much a person can take. And take it they do, until they snap.
How much does it take to reach that point? Sometimes it's a sliver of annoyance, sometime it's a load piled on and on till it feels like a burden of infinity. But all it takes is for that one step to cross that line - that line so thin, it's invisible.
The fury blooms, and what a great fire that burns. Then the fire dies and fades away, the miles disappear to smoke and shadows - and you turn back, and you are a different person.
ME signed off at 9:32 AM
Friday, November 06, 2009
104th entry
However much I deny it, it is true that I've always been a little different.
Always been a little queer, a little heady, a little bit crazy - part of me always somewhere else. Even when involved, often one step not in. Always part of my soul not there; the back of my mind a wandering.
Always having thoughts, opinions, pictures, images and words ever there as company. Wanting to express them.
They are clear, concise and simple enough to me - a different set of normal. But why is it so difficult for others to see it the same way I do.
Feeling always a little detached, sometimes strangely feeling very lonely. Part of many groups, but always just ever been part of one. Always expecting others to understand me, and puzzled when they don't.
And then disappointed, very disappointed.
And then very alone.
ME signed off at 10:43 PM
Saturday, October 31, 2009
103rd entry
Surprise surprise! Or at least for me. That when two people love each other, more often than not, one party loves the other more.
There's always one person who will always give in at a deadlock. Always one person who is willing to change more, to give more. Always one person who is more scared than the other that the other person will dislike them, will hate them, will leave them.
Call it a blow to my childhood castles in the air, but I always thought that such scenarios were the minority, and that most couples love each other equally.
What the hell?!? It comes totally as an affront of nature to me that it is a fact of life. Such a letdown, only now coming to realize it - perhaps because I could never be bothered before to care to take a closer look at the dynamics of love.
ME signed off at 10:47 AM
Thursday, October 29, 2009
102nd entry
Recently, I don't know what it is, but I feel as if I'm starting to lose my grasp on sanity. Is it hormones, is it work... or what? I don't know - but nowadays I feel as if I can't be left alone, because when the silence of the mind overwhelms me, I start to feel as if I'm slowly going out of my mind.
I don't really know what it is. Is is minor, is it major? Can it be helped or is it something perhaps every person goes through? At certain parts of the day, I strangely feel as if there's something that is slowly unraveling my mind - but I can't identify what exactly it is. At other times of the day, I'm perfectly placid with my sanity restored. Odd.
ME signed off at 1:46 PM
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
101 entry
What does one do when mortality comes knocking at your door?
Eventual death has always been a fact of life. From cradle to grave, death has been an ever undeniable fact; known at bone-depth to both babe and adult, unsaid but expected.
But when you're young, I haven't forgotten the subconscious belief of immortality! You know death is always at the horizon, but youth denies the possibility that it'll ever arrive. You do risky things, you take chances. You court death, never thinking that he might take the hint.
But what does one do when mortality comes knocking at your door? Such disappointment, such irritation. Such fear, such loathing. To stave him off, now you have to do the running. No longer an unknown entity, you face the night knowing him as a bedside fellow.
ME signed off at 4:20 PM
Sunday, October 25, 2009
100th entry
I have so many things I want to say that I don't know where or how to begin.
1) I think I made the mistake of choosing wrongly.
I chose to believe in something I knew would end up hurting me - but I chose it anyway. I chose it on the basis of some sort of optimism; of some sort of reality that I saw. I thought I could tell when something was true or not - now I don't know. I don't know my own judgment anymore - hence the 'I think'. I don't know whether my choice was the wrong one. I certainly wish I knew for certain that it was the wrong one. If I did, then maybe I could move on without looking back.
2) That it feels worse now, but will not forever.
I know that youth, first-time and the immersion of the current moment makes things a lot more intense, but that it'll pass. Experience has taught me that time does - if not heal - then at least numb most emotions. I'm still waiting. Waiting for that morning when I will wake up, and everything will be just an experience in a glass ball; to watch in moments of nostalgia, unaffected and placid.
3) That the last step is the hardest.
It's very difficult to let go, to stop - even in the face of all reason. But once the line is crossed, it becomes a relief. That relief has become an aim for me; I want to go back to the clarity of the past. I'm tired of being confused and cloudy. Tired of being blind. It's funny isn't it, how we're always chasing that picture in the window. Then when we finally get to see how it is, it's never quite what we expected.
But I may speak as if I never wanted it; yes, it's true that I've always resisted it. But however much I may wish it never was - the most hilarious part is - if it ever comes down to the crunch, I don't think I would trade it.
ME signed off at 5:28 PM
Sunday, October 18, 2009
99th entry
I had not thought my heart could hurt so badly. At a point of time not so long ago, I had looked around me, and had wished the world would stop.
A daydream of crystallized perfection; I had looked around, seen faces, heard laughter - and right there, I had wished things would stay perfect that way.
How odd then, the surreal sensation of awareness; at the exact same moment I was making the wish, I knew that it would not come true. I knew that things would not stay this way; that it was coming close to the time where things would start to fall apart. Yet I had hoped - and perhaps in a way really believed - that the impossible might not be as impossible as I had thought.
But still! In all my expectations and preparedness, I never knew it would fall apart so completely! I never knew things could break apart like a brittle sand castle - that it was so fragile in the first place. I never knew the extent of my misjudgment and presumptions.
